As I lay here six feet down

I keep reading that writing can be a good outlet if you have mental health issues of any kind so at this point, I think I might give it a go. I might even beemind doing it on the regular (beeminder, guys, it's amazeballs). I don't know that anyone will read this but it could be good to just keep a chronology of my state of being.

In case anyone still is with me who's not also on twitter or something (not that I post a lot of original content there - I'm thinking I should just lurk professionally): I live in the UK now.
shanaqui and I have been married almost three years and since September '18, we are living in a cosy flat (i.e.: smallish) in semi-rural suburbs between Leeds and Sheffield. Us, four bunnies and whatever wildlife is in the neighbourhood (spotted: various birds including several birds of prey, hedgehog, many other suspected). I am working a tech support job again, which is doing absolute wonders for my mental health but I needed a job and it's what I could get.

My depression has been getting worse, though. At first we thought it was the usual winter SAD but even now with a somewhat increased dose of my meds, it's not clearing up. I'm not a constant mope - I suspect it's atypical depression - but it's all hands on deck to keep me trucking along, most days. Nikki's been an amazing help and I couldn't do it without them but I keep knocking around in my own head and I'm not getting out of it.
I just want to stay in bed and hide from everything. If I could just curl up tighter and tighter until I ceased to exist, that'd be ideal. I feel so dumb putting it out there, it's like an emo 14 year old with streaky mascara, but I can't help it. I'm not suicidal, I keep having to stress this. I am not planning anything, I am not even imagining doing anything. I just want the end result. There's an article that puts it really well.

Mostly though, I just vacilate between no energy for anything and no desire to be, and a hulking, burning rage against all the bullshit and unfairness and things that Annoy me (it doesn't take much, some days). It's world's crankiest bipolar disorder. Interestingly, the latter is mostly a male symptom of depression. Go me, defying gender norms.

I'm in line for therapy, had my assessment, but apparently it'll be months before I'll get an actual appointment. We're going to try for a speedier referral via my GP but they're also going to tell me off for taking birth control wrong (skipping the sugar pills) and they've been difficult about my meds, dosage changes and it's a month anyway before my appointment.

Meanwhile, just hanging by a thread but at least I get to see Thea Gilmore again tomorrow.

Next time: what I want to be when I grow up or disappointing feminists and women in STEM everywhere

Apparently it takes me being more than a bit tipsy to get me to post, soooo here we go.

Had dinner out with my family today. Parents, brother, his girlfriend.
Topic to avoid: brother's lost his job (didn't find this out till I was walking back to the train station with the parents). It's really too bad, he liked his job. It was probably because he'd been sick two weeks in two months, which really isn't his habit, but they apparently didn't realise that.
Anyway, the dinner was so lovely. There was a lot of alcohol, which explains my current state. But oh god the food. North sea shrimp with potato crisp, potato puree, buttermilk foam and cherry beer sauce. Veal sweetbreads with fennel in a duvel (beer) sauce, spring lamb with celery in a different beer sauce and a chocolate and cherry candies dessert. With wine. Lots of wine. Also cava. Such nice wine.
My tummy is the happiest right now.

Jobwise all is going well. Promotion is in sight and I'm in a probation period right now (till July). Lots of work, but I enjoy because it's not just taking calls like I've been doing for the past years. There's translation work, stuff that challenges my technical side, I get to send team-wide mails to remind them of procedures, I get to train new people... It all shows they trust me and have confidence in me, which is amazing and is doing me a world of good. I love it, really.

On the other hand, the question remains of how long I'll still be there. I'm really pushing myself (past depression, past listlessness, past whatnot) into getting my driving license and once I have this, I really need to, want to start looking for jobs in/near Cardiff. I want to move. I need to move.
In that same light, Nikki and I are getting married soon. Soon being a relative term, but... We are, if everything goes according to plan, going to request to register when I'm there in March and then actually get married in August. There are no words to describe how excited I am. We've been together for 7.5 years, I love her more than anything. It's time. This is, above anything else, what I want to do.
We're probably not going to invite many people, if any at all. We both see getting married (well, civil partnered, thank you UK) as an intensely private thing and we're going to treat it as such. We can't realistically afford a big party anyway.

This is my life, it is awesome. Except for the depression, but that'll go away.

I had a day off today and I so don't want to go back to work tomorrow.

It's been madness for weeks, for months and while relief is in sight (toward the end of this month or mid-november), the extra effort we've been having to put in goes unrewarded.
Many people have also been finding creative ways of skiving which are noticed, but go unpunished, meaning that those of us who play fair? We get even more work.
I took 92 calls on Monday, for fuck's sake. That's all day on the phone without break. Pick up, handle client, hang up, repeat. No room for two breaths between calls. You have your lunch break and twenty minutes to take as you want. That's it. Technically, that includes even going to pee. That's not a pace you can keep. I've lost track of how many times I've thought "I could really just cry right now".
And yes, yes, it'll get better. They keep telling us that. But in the mean time, we lost four good people at the end of last month (three transfers, one fired) and four more are leaving end of this month. They hired two new part timers, but they need to be trained, their average call number and call duration will be very low and high respectively for months to come...

They're now also giving out permanent contracts like they're candy.
You're there? Then you get one. It makes a farce out of the effort I had to put in to get that contract. You don't even have to be good at your job anymore. They're that afraid we'll leave. And the bonus I get for taking calls in French and English (on top of Dutch) does not make it worth it. €90 after taxes is not compensation for sometimes having up to double the amount of work. They've been saying for months that they're analysing that and they'll change that bonus system, but nothing is happening and nothing will happen for a very long time.

I did get the good news that in the coming restructuring, I'm getting the position I wanted (complex helpdesk rather than the new general banking dep. half of us are getting thrown into), but again, that's not happening for months and while it means they believe in me and my technical abilities, it doesn't help what's happening right now. It also doesn't mean a pay rise or anything. Shit, we even learned that while all the other departments are class C, the helpdesk is only B. We take more calls than any of them, our work is 'appreciated' and we're really fucking special, but we're a class below. It doesn't make much difference at this point since our (sub)company doesn't pay based on your class, but it makes a world of difference when you transfer to headquarters and you get bumped up a few classes, but not as many as someone from a different department. And headquarters does pay based on your classification.


But there are nice things.

I finished my zombie costume, which people on twitter have already seen, and I'm relatively pleased with it.
( Cut for picture )

And I'm getting my tax return end of next month, so I'll finally be able to afford new desktop without having to dip into my savings. I thought for a long while about building my own like a proper geek, but I have neither the time nor the energy.


I'm just tired. And cranky. And trying really hard to keep my end of year bonus in mind.

This was supposed to be a post with pictures from my flat (especially since I even tidied yesterday!) but my camera batteries were dead and I have no spares, so I will have to disappoint all of you.
Still, the flat is coming along nicely. It's now tidy and all the boxes are empty except for the ones with books I'm getting rid of. I'm even getting on a bit with decorating. I'm making paper flowers out of old magazines and by glueing them onto wire, I can put them in a vase. It's fun and keeps me busy while I'm doing other things. I'm also making paper stars and stringing them onto thread so I can make a sort of bead curtain to cover up my curtain- and doorless pantry but it's a lot of work since I really underestimated the number of stars I'd have to make. Still, it's something to do.
Now if only I knew what to do about my bare walls. I'm not allowed to paint and I want something classy without putting up some cliche poster.
I also have internet! Which took long enough (and I'm still updating from work!) but it means my evenings are slightly less maddening for loneliness.

In other news, apparently I am a scary person.
This is really all I conclude from the fact that people refuse to talk to me when I'm doing something that bothers them.
So let's just make this very clear: if I am doing something that annoys the shit out of you or that pisses you off or you think I'm being an ass and I should knock that off?

It's possible that I will tell you no, but I might also say yes and apologise and stop it. I am not an ogre (but I might be an onion). I am actually a nice person.
Going to tattle to my girlfriend, however? Will not help. At all. Ever. I will be more likely to laugh because you're behaving like a child. If she disagrees with me on something, she'll tell me. If she thinks I did something wrong, she'll tell me. But she is not my mother, nor my keeper.
I repeat, if you have a problem, just talk to me. Reply to me on twitter, leave a comment here on DW or on the corresponding LJ, send me an email (ehlyah at gmail), talk to me on msn (blast_that_bunny at hotmail) or aim (paraparapom). I am plenty reachable and I do not actually bite, I'm even mostly an idiot. :)

Work is still nice, permanent contract and job security are lovely things.
On the crap side, we're now doing some interteam competition and it is going to ruin our lives. Basically, by fulfilling certain criteria (being on time, being under 6 minutes in average call duration, getting good points in your evaluations, etc), you can gain points. If you don't quite fulfill a criteria, you'll get slightly less points, if you're not too great at it, even less and so on till you get 0. All the points in a team are made into an average and basically, the best team after ten weeks will get some mysterious reward.
After one week, lists with people's individual scores are already circulating and people with low scores are being eyed for it. Competition between teams is also starting to rise.
I hate it. I really do. It's so damn pointless.
And all this because corporate decided to introduce a performance culture. I knew it'd end badly.
Now to live through nine more weeks of this crap.

In the mean time I wish I could punch the client I'm talking to right now. Fucking condescending douche. I know how to solve your problem with the software, you don't, so fucking LISTEN TO ME and DO AS I SAY. Questioning my motives or what I'm doing will only tick me off. D:
Good thing I'm done in fifteen minutes. x_x