As I lay here six feet down

When I was 11 or 12, a local after school performing arts org came to my school. The drama people came to my class and introduced what they did.Two years of learning to breathe and enunciate and how to project your voice, then on to once a week drama (improv, games, sketches) and once a week poetry reading. Dramatic reading. Whatever you call it. Saying poetry at people. I loved it.
After another two years, I specialised to just the poetry class. I clicked really well with my teacher and I enjoyed working through the poetry to find what worked for me, where I could put the feeling, how to be on stage.

 I have finally, finally got my GP appointment today. I can at last request a medication adjustment, a psychiatric referral and some time off work to just Deal.

So of course my brain has instantly gone the route of "what? What suicide? How suicide? I've never even heard of suicide". Accompanied by an extra fun chorus of "you're just lazy and everybody knows it."
My brain knows how to party.

I keep reading that writing can be a good outlet if you have mental health issues of any kind so at this point, I think I might give it a go. I might even beemind doing it on the regular (beeminder, guys, it's amazeballs). I don't know that anyone will read this but it could be good to just keep a chronology of my state of being.

In case anyone still is with me who's not also on twitter or something (not that I post a lot of original content there - I'm thinking I should just lurk professionally): I live in the UK now.
shanaqui and I have been married almost three years and since September '18, we are living in a cosy flat (i.e.: smallish) in semi-rural suburbs between Leeds and Sheffield. Us, four bunnies and whatever wildlife is in the neighbourhood (spotted: various birds including several birds of prey, hedgehog, many other suspected). I am working a tech support job again, which is doing absolute wonders for my mental health but I needed a job and it's what I could get.

My depression has been getting worse, though. At first we thought it was the usual winter SAD but even now with a somewhat increased dose of my meds, it's not clearing up. I'm not a constant mope - I suspect it's atypical depression - but it's all hands on deck to keep me trucking along, most days. Nikki's been an amazing help and I couldn't do it without them but I keep knocking around in my own head and I'm not getting out of it.
I just want to stay in bed and hide from everything. If I could just curl up tighter and tighter until I ceased to exist, that'd be ideal. I feel so dumb putting it out there, it's like an emo 14 year old with streaky mascara, but I can't help it. I'm not suicidal, I keep having to stress this. I am not planning anything, I am not even imagining doing anything. I just want the end result. There's an article that puts it really well.

Mostly though, I just vacilate between no energy for anything and no desire to be, and a hulking, burning rage against all the bullshit and unfairness and things that Annoy me (it doesn't take much, some days). It's world's crankiest bipolar disorder. Interestingly, the latter is mostly a male symptom of depression. Go me, defying gender norms.

I'm in line for therapy, had my assessment, but apparently it'll be months before I'll get an actual appointment. We're going to try for a speedier referral via my GP but they're also going to tell me off for taking birth control wrong (skipping the sugar pills) and they've been difficult about my meds, dosage changes and it's a month anyway before my appointment.

Meanwhile, just hanging by a thread but at least I get to see Thea Gilmore again tomorrow.

Next time: what I want to be when I grow up or disappointing feminists and women in STEM everywhere

I LIVE

and tumblr dies a fiery death, haha. Ah, fandom migrations.

I live in England now
It's not terrible (kidding, it's neat, I'm having fun)

I need new icons. Are there still icon journals out there? I do wonder. But I do need something that reflects current interests.

The rabbits are multiplying (not how you think). There are four now. Cutest little assholes.

I've been thinking a lot about getting bag into blogging. A means of venting, keep a trace of my life, don't know, want to give it a try again. I mean, it's only been two years, right?

Where am I in my life right now?
- married (yes, to shanaqui )
- not in customer support anymore, now doing internal tech support. I liked it, I put up with it, I hate it
- second year of a degree in software dev
- medicated

That's all there is to it, really.
I've been on the meds for a while now and it has really helped. My brain's more stable, I'm much less agressive, more able to be social when it's required of me.
Classes are a joy (even if night classes on top of work wear me out like nobody's business) and it's nice to occasionally be reminded that maybe I'm not entirely as dumb as I sometimes feel.
Work is horrible (has it ever not been), but I'm soon changing to a test engineer function, so that a. takes me entirely out of support and I won't have to plug people vga cables in anymore and b. might actually be interesting and I'll learn some stuff. It's not all sunshine, there's more people side things that I'm not a fan of, but it's a step up, no doubt.

Being married is lovely, it's been a whole month already and it's still amazing. I get to have a nikki around all the time now and that is the best, no kidding. A nikki and a bunny and it's all good.

More soon, yes.

Ahaha hello I am still alive. :)

No pictures about this one as I only realised "omg I should post this" as I was eating.

So let's make this quick and dirty.

Ingredients:
Whole grain pasta
mushrooms
wild asparagus (could also be spinach)
(light) cream cheese
your choice of protein. I went with the tiniest steak you've ever seen, but this could be chicken, shrimp, tofu...

Need:
Two pans
One pot.

To do:
Fill pot with water and season (olive oil and salt). Put on stove to boil. When boiling, add pasta, set timer for 1-2 minutes less than al dente.
Chop mushrooms.
Heat up pan with about two tablespoons of olive oil. Chuck in asparagus, then mushrooms (or mushrooms, then spinach). Season with salt and pepper.
In second pan, deal with your protein. Undercook it slightly.
When pasta is done, drain but reserve some of the water.
Add pasta to vegetables.
Make sure protein is bitesize (I sliced my steak afterward, but chicken or tofu could be done beforehand) and add to pan.
Add a heaped tablespoon of cream cheese (I used light philadelphia with fine herbs and garlic) and the half a cup of reserved water. Let it cook down till desired creaminess.
Done.

This took me all of twenty minutes to shove together when I realised I'd forgotten to eat, so it's definitely easy-peasy!

Title: Strawberry lemonade
Cuisine: who knows
Skill level: easy (not for children)
Time: 20 minutes
Portions: As many as you like

( So I drink enormous amounts of lemonade )

I am supposed to be getting ready for bed and my back is killing me, but this is what I'm up to right now.



Whoooooo

Here be the list of posts I have made/planned.

I have divided these into different genres to make any titles less vague (links go to tags):
Dinner for one: whatever I make, mostly tutorial style posts
Sweet tooth: baking, also mostly tutorial style
Home cooking: storytime! Mostly about my family and food

( 100 )

Aaand the kick-off.

Recipe time!

Title: cabbage and mince (& mash potatoes)
Cuisine: comfort food
Skill level: easy peasy
Time: 35 minutes
Portions: 2-3

( This way, please )