As I lay here six feet down

I keep reading that writing can be a good outlet if you have mental health issues of any kind so at this point, I think I might give it a go. I might even beemind doing it on the regular (beeminder, guys, it's amazeballs). I don't know that anyone will read this but it could be good to just keep a chronology of my state of being.

In case anyone still is with me who's not also on twitter or something (not that I post a lot of original content there - I'm thinking I should just lurk professionally): I live in the UK now.
shanaqui and I have been married almost three years and since September '18, we are living in a cosy flat (i.e.: smallish) in semi-rural suburbs between Leeds and Sheffield. Us, four bunnies and whatever wildlife is in the neighbourhood (spotted: various birds including several birds of prey, hedgehog, many other suspected). I am working a tech support job again, which is doing absolute wonders for my mental health but I needed a job and it's what I could get.

My depression has been getting worse, though. At first we thought it was the usual winter SAD but even now with a somewhat increased dose of my meds, it's not clearing up. I'm not a constant mope - I suspect it's atypical depression - but it's all hands on deck to keep me trucking along, most days. Nikki's been an amazing help and I couldn't do it without them but I keep knocking around in my own head and I'm not getting out of it.
I just want to stay in bed and hide from everything. If I could just curl up tighter and tighter until I ceased to exist, that'd be ideal. I feel so dumb putting it out there, it's like an emo 14 year old with streaky mascara, but I can't help it. I'm not suicidal, I keep having to stress this. I am not planning anything, I am not even imagining doing anything. I just want the end result. There's an article that puts it really well.

Mostly though, I just vacilate between no energy for anything and no desire to be, and a hulking, burning rage against all the bullshit and unfairness and things that Annoy me (it doesn't take much, some days). It's world's crankiest bipolar disorder. Interestingly, the latter is mostly a male symptom of depression. Go me, defying gender norms.

I'm in line for therapy, had my assessment, but apparently it'll be months before I'll get an actual appointment. We're going to try for a speedier referral via my GP but they're also going to tell me off for taking birth control wrong (skipping the sugar pills) and they've been difficult about my meds, dosage changes and it's a month anyway before my appointment.

Meanwhile, just hanging by a thread but at least I get to see Thea Gilmore again tomorrow.

Next time: what I want to be when I grow up or disappointing feminists and women in STEM everywhere

Apparently it takes me being more than a bit tipsy to get me to post, soooo here we go.

Had dinner out with my family today. Parents, brother, his girlfriend.
Topic to avoid: brother's lost his job (didn't find this out till I was walking back to the train station with the parents). It's really too bad, he liked his job. It was probably because he'd been sick two weeks in two months, which really isn't his habit, but they apparently didn't realise that.
Anyway, the dinner was so lovely. There was a lot of alcohol, which explains my current state. But oh god the food. North sea shrimp with potato crisp, potato puree, buttermilk foam and cherry beer sauce. Veal sweetbreads with fennel in a duvel (beer) sauce, spring lamb with celery in a different beer sauce and a chocolate and cherry candies dessert. With wine. Lots of wine. Also cava. Such nice wine.
My tummy is the happiest right now.

Jobwise all is going well. Promotion is in sight and I'm in a probation period right now (till July). Lots of work, but I enjoy because it's not just taking calls like I've been doing for the past years. There's translation work, stuff that challenges my technical side, I get to send team-wide mails to remind them of procedures, I get to train new people... It all shows they trust me and have confidence in me, which is amazing and is doing me a world of good. I love it, really.

On the other hand, the question remains of how long I'll still be there. I'm really pushing myself (past depression, past listlessness, past whatnot) into getting my driving license and once I have this, I really need to, want to start looking for jobs in/near Cardiff. I want to move. I need to move.
In that same light, Nikki and I are getting married soon. Soon being a relative term, but... We are, if everything goes according to plan, going to request to register when I'm there in March and then actually get married in August. There are no words to describe how excited I am. We've been together for 7.5 years, I love her more than anything. It's time. This is, above anything else, what I want to do.
We're probably not going to invite many people, if any at all. We both see getting married (well, civil partnered, thank you UK) as an intensely private thing and we're going to treat it as such. We can't realistically afford a big party anyway.

This is my life, it is awesome. Except for the depression, but that'll go away.