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Jun. 11th, 2019 08:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
feywoodIt's only barely nine in the morning and I'm already at the point of wanting to scream and flail and punch and rake my nails over my face till it all comes spilling out.
I am not, never have been, a patient person when it comes to other people or the little things, but it feels like I've lost any kind of buffer I may have had. Every little annoyance just sets me off. Someone driving like an ass? Cue the shouting. Having to deal with M at work (especially while D is out) and I want to scream. Put upon with the incompetence of the second line team? I want to run up there and smash them to a pulp. This is the temper I had when I was ten, thirteen. I thought I'd finally left that behind. Maybe I was just depressed then as well and nobody twigged.
I am nothing but a flayed nerve and I just keep getting poked and prodded. I wonder sometimes about the fact that I'm so much better on the weekends and maybe I'm just lazy and need a different job, but maybe it's just that I have so much less input most weekends. We'll go for a walk, do the shopping, that's usually it and then I can bury myself in a game or my crafting for a few hours until I'm all soothed again.
Even right now, there's three conversations going on at the desks near me and I can't help but follow each of them I hear and parse it all and I can't and it makes me want to cry and sob ugly like. I hate open plan offices so much but if I wear my headphones full time, I'm anti social and blah blah. Therapy is good and helpful but if I could be drugged into a nice calm haze I'd be okay with that too. I can't stop being busy and doing and I need to be occupied at all times because as soon as I'm not, I fall into a void.
I should work. I am meant to be working. Must try. Cue 7 hours of resisting the urge to hide under my desk.
I am not, never have been, a patient person when it comes to other people or the little things, but it feels like I've lost any kind of buffer I may have had. Every little annoyance just sets me off. Someone driving like an ass? Cue the shouting. Having to deal with M at work (especially while D is out) and I want to scream. Put upon with the incompetence of the second line team? I want to run up there and smash them to a pulp. This is the temper I had when I was ten, thirteen. I thought I'd finally left that behind. Maybe I was just depressed then as well and nobody twigged.
I am nothing but a flayed nerve and I just keep getting poked and prodded. I wonder sometimes about the fact that I'm so much better on the weekends and maybe I'm just lazy and need a different job, but maybe it's just that I have so much less input most weekends. We'll go for a walk, do the shopping, that's usually it and then I can bury myself in a game or my crafting for a few hours until I'm all soothed again.
Even right now, there's three conversations going on at the desks near me and I can't help but follow each of them I hear and parse it all and I can't and it makes me want to cry and sob ugly like. I hate open plan offices so much but if I wear my headphones full time, I'm anti social and blah blah. Therapy is good and helpful but if I could be drugged into a nice calm haze I'd be okay with that too. I can't stop being busy and doing and I need to be occupied at all times because as soon as I'm not, I fall into a void.
I should work. I am meant to be working. Must try. Cue 7 hours of resisting the urge to hide under my desk.
